To Sleep, Or Not To Sleep...

We have already established in previous posts that I am getting old and frail, so this next bit won't surprise you in the least...

I am currently on my third pillow in as many months! I wake up (that is, of course, when I am able to sleep) with a headache and neck pain DAILY! I am on a first name basis with my chiropractors, whom I get the pleasure to see once, sometimes twice, a week! I am living in HELL, and hell has crappy pillows!

I am starting a new mission: OPERATION FINDANEWPILLOWORSTARTLOSINGFRIENDS! I am not sure how well my followers know me, but to say that I am unpleasant when tired is a gargantuan understatement. I am down right evil, and I own it. Even my hard-ass friend Nickie is afraid to cross me when I have 'the look' about me. So, you see, I need to rectify this massive problem, STAT!

this is me in the morning. lucky Ben

Here is a list of pillows I have tried in no particular order (I know. You are saying "Who gives a flying frack what order she tried them in". I don't care either, but I really like to draw out my posts):

WATER PILLOW - LOVED it, but it does puncture when stepped on by family members with talons.

FIRM - too firm

FEATHER -  felt like I was getting suffocated by Big Bird

MEMORY FOAM - liked it the first night, then I think it forgot what it's job was. IT SUCKS!

MATTRESS - I tried sleeping without a pillow. WHAT? Who am I, a cave man?

What am I missing? There has to be the perfect pillow out there for my dainty head. I mean, c'mon! Look at that mug! What pillow WOULDN'T want to snuggle up to that every night? When Ben came downstairs this morning all bright eyed and bushy tailed and said "Who did you sleep, Love Face?" I simply grunted and reiterated my need to find a new pillow. His response was a loving "Another high maintenance demand". Believe me, he wants me to find a gateway to sleep more than anyone! He bears the brunt of my ire when Mr. Sandman eludes me. Bless his patient heart.

Needless to say, on my list of things to do this weekend, finding a pillow is #1! If anyone has ANY suggestions I would greatly appreciate them!

Look at that girl with the Daisy Don'ts on!

Here is a little something to listen to while you are reading this entry...

Click here for some ear candy for your reading enjoyment

You're welcome.

Ok, boys and girls (but mostly girls), today's lesson is on proper self-display etiquette. I have been disgusted for years at how young girls (and older ones, alike) are leaving very little to the imagination when it comes to wearing shorts, so I thought it would be helpful (let's face it, I am nothing if not helpful) for me to break it down into a few simple steps for you.

1.) IF YOU HAVE TO SHAVE OR WAX IN ORDER TO WEAR THEM, THEY ARE TOO SHORT!

you missed a spot

The sad part about this 'phenomanon' is that there seems to be no minimum age to start donning these hooker shorts. Some of the shorts I have seen in Abercrombie make the US Sand Volleyball 'uniforms' seem conservative. Parents, please FORTHELOVEOFGOD, before you buy that 4 inches of denim for your daughters, think of all of the perverts that are going to be ogling your little princess and JUST SAY NO!

2.) IF YOUR BATHING SUIT BOTTOMS HAVE MORE MATERIAL THAN YOUR SHORTS, THEY ARE TOO SHORT!

can we stop at the beach later?

This one is pretty self explanatory.

3.) IF YOU HAVE GIVEN BIRTH, IT'S MOST DEFINITELY TIME TO RETIRE THE DAISY DUKES!

mom o' the year

"The best accessory for my daisy dukes is my baby's stroller", said NO ONE EVER! The fact that you are pushing a stroller and video taping your angel frolicking in the water fountain should be all the proof needed that your hooker shorts days are behind you! What makes me gag even more is when I see mom and daughter wearing almost identical DD shorts while out and about!

4.) (thought this would be a given BUT there is always one person that ruins it for everyone)
IF YOU ARE 20 YEARS POST MENOPAUSE, THEY ARE TOO SHORT!

catherine bach on her way to shady pines

If you have to wash your dentures while your dukes are in the rinse cycle, it's time to retire them. But let's face it, you still can't quit looking at this picture.

Listen girls, I know that you are young and proud of your bodies, BUT, there is a very fine line between self confidence and looking like a skank. Maybe it's not that fine of a line, but please have a little self respect along with that self confidence. Think about how you want to portray yourself and how you want others to perceive you.

Parents, please take note that those shorty shorts you are buying for your daughters have the potential to be a 'gateway drug' to shorter shorts and less clothing.

"look ma, no pants"

If you ask me, this is the way to go!

mom jeans!!!!

He who laughs last has the last laugh. Ponder that...

Lesson of the week, heard and learned loud and clear...

IF YOUR LAST THOUGHT BEFORE GOING TO BED ON WEDNESDAY NIGHT IS 'THIS IS MY LAST THURSDAY THAT I WILL GET TO SLEEP IN FOR 9 MONTHS' THEN YOU WILL MOST DEFINITELY BE AWAKEN AT 5:40 A.M.

       * As I was nuzzling into my cozy bed last night I was so looking forward to sleeping in one last Thursday. My goal was to not see the clock until it said at least 8:00 a.m.. Next week would involve school and lunches and all the morning craziness that goes along with it, so I was bound and determined to SLEEP IN! Fast-forward to the panic...

Ben: "GET UP! It's 20 til 6!"
Me:  "IT'S THURSDAY* (she said VERY grouch-ily)"
Ben: "Oh yeah, sorry"
Me:  "GRRRRRR"

He then heads to the bathroom where he flips the light on and the reflection of the six overhead bulbs bounces off of the 6 foot mirror and directly onto my eyeballs.

**Slight dramatization of actual brightness**
                               

Me:  "SHUT THE DOOR!!!!"
Ben: "You better shut something!"
Me:  "GRRRRRRR"

I am just about to drift off again, for it is now 18 til 6, when all of the sudden I realize that there is an earthquake, registering about a 7.5, violently shaking the room. Alarmed, I sit up and see that the quake is coming in the form of a very handsome 130 pound bundle of love who has joined me in bed. He is panting so hard that the whole bed appears to heaving to and fro and jostling my tired brain out of the 'slumber' it was {almost} in.

"Hi Mom. Look how handsome I am. It's time to get up."

Ben must have heard my brain bouncing around in oblivion because he chooses this moment to open the bathroom door again and the 24,000 watts of blinding light hits me square in the iris ( or is it irises You can't honestly expect me to know this right now. I am BLIND, remember!)

Me: "YOU GUYS ARE KILLING ME!!!!!!"
Hank: "Pant Pant Pant Drool Pant"
Ben: "Good morning Sunshine"
Me: "GRRRRRRRR"
Hank: "Pant Pant Pant Drool Pant Lick Pant"
Ben: "I love you. Have a great day"
Me: "GRRRRR! I love you too"
Hank: "Pant Pant Pant Lick Self Pant Then Lick Mom in Her mouth while she's making that GRRRRR sound Pant Pant Drool
Me: " HANK SERIOUSLY!"
Ben: "TEE HEE"

So, by 6:00 a.m. I am awake and ready to Carpe the Diem all up in here! (If anyone tries to correct this last sentence I will shank you. I know that it makes no sense but I am tired and still slightly blind, so BACK OFF!) I have had my coffee* so the early hour doesn't seem so bad now. I'm sitting here in my quiet house (for my kids and dogs are sound asleep) watching the rain soak everything outside. As I type this I am serenaded by the sounds of thunder and snoring pups. I am a lucky lady. My coffee cup definitely runneth over!

Have a blessed Thursday



* I don't work Thursday mornings

* apparently, the distilled water I use to make my coffee everyday is not really meant to be consumed. It is mostly for cleaning small appliances. Why did I not know this? Why did I just find out about this yesterday? I am officially blaming my wrinkles and gray hair on all the DW I have drank all these years!