Saturday, April 16, 2011

To Pee or Not to Pee? THAT is the question...

When you are pregnant, it is such a joyous time. People are so nice to give you all kinds of unsolicited advice... where to give birth (no thanks, I prefer not to get birthing juice all over the same place I shave my legs), whether or not to find out the sex of your baby (the fact that we were pregnant at 21 was a surprise enough, so we went ahead and found out the gender), which nipples were best for the little bundle of joy ( I tried to make sure they were mine, but Ali ate to much and the real things got raw and bled, SOOO we went with the synthetics). My personal favorite was a when a girl told me I shouldn't drink caffeine because it would make my baby's head shrink ( FALSE!!! My baby was 10 pounds at birth, and 7 of it was head! Now that baby carries a consistent 4.0+ gpa, so I say, CAFFEINE IT UP, MOMMA'S!!) Most of the advice and 'helpful' hints were OK, and as a first time mother I listened to every piece of it! BUT, what I would have really appreciated was some honest to goodness, hard~truth, facts about the whole process! For example, I would have loved to have been warned that when you are pregnant you can develop hymroids. At 21 I had no clue what these were, so when I discovered them, I thought I had only months to live. I would have loved for someone to tell me to not even bother packing my size 8 jeans to come home from the hospital in. I would have happily packed my MC Hammer pants to avoid the post-partum breakdown that happened in my hospital room when I couldn't pull the size 8's over my knees! I would have LOVED to be warned that after birthing my baby, I would most definitely not be able to cough, sneeze, laugh, or jog, without peeing my pants! That one was a real eye~opener (oddly enough, I use that one as an excuse as to why I can't jog! THANK YOU incontinence!)!
This is why when I happen upon a pregnant woman all glowy and happy, I proudly tell her all the things I was never told! Sure, I may come across as a Debbie-Downer, but I can almost guarantee that it's MY words of wisdom that sticks with her most! I tell her not to over~eat just because she is 'eating for two', or she will gain 90 pounds like I did (I know! It's true! Why did I think I could wear the size 8's home? Did I honestly think I would birth 90 pounds?) I assure/warn her that laughter will become funnier/mortifying when she pees her pants during it! But mostly I warn her that once she holds that baby for the first time, she will never be the same! She will know love that she never knew existed. She will finally know what it's like to say you would die for someone and mean it! Motherhood is unparalleled to ANYTHING in the world! That is why I enjoy every time I pee my pants for I know it's my girls gift to me!