Thursday, January 6, 2011

Dr. 90210. Paging Dr. 90210...

Where is Dr. Rey when you need him? I took my little angel (I use that term only because I feel sorry for her at the moment) to her 6 months check up today. The vet looked at her teeth ("pearly white" was what she said about them), looked in her ears ("looks great" she said), listened to her heart and belly ("nice strong heartbeat and the belly sounds great" she said), checked her hips ("sturdy hips" she said). "Now let's roll her over and see how that belly looks" is where it gets interesting. She cocks her head and I hear a quiet "Hmmmm". She then proceeds to give the equivalent of what I consider a gyno exam to my angel (this is why I currently feel sorry for her; she will resume her Satan-spawn status soon, I am sure of it). She looks at me and asked, "Have you ever noticed how deep her vulva is"? My reply was what I expect a normal person's response would be, "Uh, NO". She proceeds to poke and prod at my angel (who has now experienced what Alien abductees feel like after a good ole probing) and show me where it 'should' be. I am both horrified and embarrassed (like this is something she has inherited from me, since I AM her mother, after all). All the while, my angel is looking at me and I can hear her shouting at the vet with her best Steve Martin impression..."EXCUUUUUUSE YOU"! During her exploration of the angels nether regions she discovered that she has a UTI (Urinary Tract Infection, for all you lucky souls that are unfamiliar with that term) and that this is a result of her "deep vulva" and will continue to happen unless we remedy the situation. I ask how we do that. Her response...wait for it..... a VULVAPLASTY. My response, again, was what I expect a normal person's response would be, "I'm sorry, come again. A WHAT"?

So, long story short. When she goes in to be fixed next month, she is going to have to get plastic surgery on her lady bidness. BIG FRICKIN WELCOME TO WOMANHOOD, MY LITTLE ANGEL!

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