I'm the reason they put senseless warnings on products...

Have you ever looked into the sink as you're brushing your teeth and see a piece of your tongue? No? No one? Well guess what. I have. Today.

I had an unfortunate run-in with my Waterpik. I'm guessing I had it turned up to high. I got distracted and instead of hitting my gum line the spray sliced through the tip of my tongue. I felt it automatically and spit, only to see lots of blood and a bit o' tongue. Uh, gross?

Please tell me that I'm not the only one who has ever been savagely attacked by their oral hygiene products. Certainly, this is an everyday occurrence across these here 'Merika's,right?

So, I have learned the following this morning:
1) Waterpik's set on the highest power will, in fact, cut the tip of your tongue off.

B) Mouth wounds bleed. A lot.

C) Gargling with Scope directly after will burn like a mother.

And

4) This will most likely not be the dumbest thing I do today.

Consider yourselves warned, my little nuggets.

Pap Smears and Politics make awful bed fellows...

I had my first glimpse of where our health care reform is heading this morning as I was sitting having my annual gab-fest with my gynecologist. In the midst of our giddy laughter over husbands and kids she asked me how long it had been since my last irregular pap-smear (c'mon ladies, you know you talk about this with your girlfriends too). I told her that I believed it was when H.W. was in office and I still had cheek bones and shoulder blades (ahhh, the 'good ol' days). She said "Well, today is your lucky day! There are new guidelines and if you have had clear paps within ten years you no longer need an annual exam." I believed I snorted and looked at her like she had three speculums aimed at me and said something to the effect of "Who's bright idea was that? Some pencil pusher in a cubicle with no medical degree and no vagina"? She cracked up, composed herself, and professionally went on to tell me that my insurance would pay for it this year but starting next year they were going to start denying annual exams. She was gracious enough to not laugh when she said, "I will gladly do it if you want". To this I exclaimed quite passionately, "Absolutely we are doing it! Because, (1) I am not comfortable going 3 years with no exam when I know how quickly things can change in the body, and (B) I painted my toe nails AND shaved my legs for this, and it WILL NOT be in vain!

Now, correct me if I'm wrong. Was there not just a HUGE debacle over ladies demanding and getting free contraception? Contraception, if I remember correctly, is mainly used for 'FUN' extra-curricular activities. Why do I have to pay for you to 'get your freak on'? Ridiculous, but I digress... Pap smears are the opposite of fun, yet we are going to be penalized for being pro-active and taking care of ourselves. You can CHOOSE to not have sex or use alternate forms of protection. You can not, however, choose NOT to get cervical cancer. I wish it were that easy! Then I wouldn't have had to shave my legs today!

So, if I am hearing and understanding her correctly (and I am, because I asked her several times), I can get FREE birth control, via tax payers, but I WILL HAVE TO PAY OUT OF POCKET (twice, I might add, since I am already paying IN ABUNDANCE for health insurance *and taxes for your free BC pills*) to make sure I am going to be around another year to raise my kids ( who, unfortunately, will have to go through this same crap). Fabulous. 

Women, and parents of future women (like Moi), BE OUTRAGED! This is going to be detrimental to women's health. Much more so than having to pay for your own birth control! 

Breathing in the blessings...

As I sit here reflecting the year so far (all 20 days of it), I am overcome with all the blessings I have. I am also ashamed at the amount that I take them for granted. Nothing is a guarantee. Nothing is promised (except His love for us). Nothing is forever. So, as part of 'The Year of a New Me' (or TYOANM) I am going to try and breathe in all the blessings in my life and not be so blind to the beauty that surrounds me. 

The thing that makes me happier than anything else is my family, yet they are the ones that always see the worst part of me. When I'm tired, they are the ones that suffer. When I've had a bad day, they bear the brunt of it and also have a bad day, simply by association. Therefore, the number one thing on my 'TYOANM' list is to make me number one! Sounds selfish, but it's actually the most selfless thing to do for them. I am taking my health seriously! I am now under the care of a nutritionist who has already helped me more than I expected. I am headache free for 11 days straight and she says it's only the beginning. I am also now 100% gluten free. I have known for several years that I am allergic but never was diligent with the diet...until now. I'm sure that has a lot to do with how well I feel now. How can I ever go back??? 

I also am making a list of all the things that I cherish most. This helps me be in the moment when I experience them; to let them consume me and remind me to thank Him that makes them possible. So far, my list consists of some of the following:

* The way my husband still looks at me, even in the morning as I'm snorting my coffee and grunting at him. After all these years, he still makes me feel like I am the most important person in the world to him.

Me and my love

* The sound of Caty singing in the shower. She is so happy and has such a beautiful voice. I love to stand outside her bathroom door (in a non-creepy way) while she's in there and listen to her. And yes, sometimes I even cry because this is such a beautiful moment. One day this sound will no longer be a regular part of our house and I will SOOOOOO miss that.

The smile makes my heart sing

* The sound of Ali's laugh. She has the GREATEST laugh. It's infectious. The joy on her face in the midst of a good belly laugh makes my heart sing. 

My big love

* I love the way my heart feels when my kids are standing by me in church singing their praises. I am so thankful to live where we can worship freely. I love that they aren't 'to cool' to sing about loving the Lord. 

* I love the sound of my kids laughing with each other. I am so thankful that my girls are best friends. They genuinely like each other and like being together.

But my biggest blessing is hearing these three creatures that share the casa with me tell me that they love me. The sound of their voices expressing their love for me is what gets me through every single second of every single day. For this alone, I express my gratitude daily to God. This is one of those blessings that are not a guarantee and one I can't even fathom the alternative. 

A family that has fun together... has fun together

So for the above blessings, and the countless others that I didn't list, I thank the Lord. He alone holds the key and that fact is not lost on me. I am just so thankful that He has placed these beautiful angels in my life. Thank You for loving me and telling me so in their voices everyday. By them loving me, it's proof that You love me.

Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What do you see?...

I see brown back hair looking at me. 

I read this Eric Carle book hundreds of times over the first several years of my girls' childhoods. They loved his books. Although I took the liberties to change it up a bit in this post, that book title was the first thing that popped into my head at 3:45 this morning when I woke up sandwiched between twin-like sights. 

Picture this: As I am sleeping soundly on my right side, I am awaken by something pressing into the length of my back and head. It (he) is running at a marathoners pace in his sleep, probably chasing some very scary chipmunks from our yard. I feel the wiry back hairs of my Hank sticking into my exposed neck. In front of me is the wiry back hairs of my main man, the love of my life. Why I am pressed up against him baffles me, for I LOATHE touching anything but my pillow and blanket while I sleep. (Maybe it had something to do with the 130 pounds of chipmunk hunter at my back). I know that I must release myself from this prickly slow death, so I TRY (have you ever been trapped between two cement slabs? I'm sure this was a close second) to rotate my body so that one or both will move, but this only makes the running at my back turn into a sprint and the steady breaths at my front turn into snores that actually sound like they could be coming from a brown bear. #FAIL

Needless to say, the longer I laid there and started picturing what we looked like, the funnier it became. I let out a little chuckle, and wouldn't you know it, the chipmunk hunter lifted his head, looked at me, let out a disgusted sigh (which I can only translate to "Thanks a pant load for waking me up. What kind of idiot laughs in the middle of the night?", and hopped down on his bed.( Remember, he has a twin size bed in our room, but apparently it's not big enough for him. )

So, boys and girls, the lesson for today is this... If you ever find yourself sandwiched between two brown bears, just laugh. Or not. Actually I think you are supposed to play dead or ring a bell, or something like that, but the laughing worked for me.

Artist rendering of what went down

WHAT IN THE WHAT???...

In the spirit of the election I am taking a poll. I just uttered a sentence to myself and I want to know if anyone else out there has ever spoken these words aloud: Are you ready?

"Why are there flyswatters (yes, plural) in my washer?"

As the mother of teen/tween daughters and the wife of a very mature man, I am having a very hard time figuring out how and why this is an event in my day. It would be perfectly understandable if my kids were small, but...

I have been a parent long enough to know that you 'eat a lot of crow' when you have kids (gross! what does that even mean? seriously not understanding. but, I digress) and that you will hear and say things that you never in a bazillionty years think you would hear or say. A classic story was from my cousin, 'A'. She was on the the phone with her SIL and the conversation went something like this...:

A: "blahbity blahbity blabbity blah"
S:  " hahahahaha" (cuz A is super funny)
A: "I KNOW"
S: "A, hold on. 'AUSTIN, QUIT PEEING ON YOUR SISTER'! Ok, I'm back. blahbity blabbity blah"

My favorite story from the Karacian archive is one that comes to mind every time I see a litter box. When Cate was potty training, she had to go and Ali wouldn't get off the 'training mechanism'. I heard them on the verge of meltdown (a 5 year old and a 2 year old whiny one) and headed toward the bathroom to break it up. I opened the door just in time to see Cate taking matters in her own hands and doing her business in the litter box. Pretty genius idea, if you ask me, but I may be a little bias.

Things like this happen everyday to parents and we take it in stride and, in the process, give others great stories to remember for years to come. I bet 'S' doesn't even remember that, but I will never forget 'A' in hysterics over that story.

As mystified as I am by finding these swatters in the washer, I realize that since my kids have gotten older I miss these oddities that are normal with young'uns in the house. However, Cate is very good at letting me find the milk in the pantry (she is not really a morning person, therefore she pretty much sleep walks through her first hour vertical) and I laugh every time. When we had a home phone, it was nothing for me to find the phone in the fridge a handful of times a month. THESE are the memories that I am so thankful to have burned into my brain.

Well, I must get back to cleaning/continuing my scavenger hunt! Have a groovy day and ENJOY THE MEMORIES THAT YOUR KIDS ARE MAKING FOR YOU!

Thank You. Danke. Gracias. Domo. Grazie. Spanks.

As I look around my quiet home this beautiful morning, I am overcome with a great feeling of calm and thankfulness. God has blessed me beyond anything I deserve and I know that each of you are one of his gifts to me. Even though we don't talk every day and I don't tell you enough, I love you and am thankful. SOOOOO,  I want to take some time to publicly do so now...

Ben - Thank you for being the greatest thing to have ever happened to me. Your unconditional love (yep, I know it is, because how else could you have put up with 21 years of this?) is what gets me through the day. 

My main man. The love of my life.

Ali - Thank you for being my parental guinea pig. I take great comfort in the fact that you are relatively normal, despite the greenness of your parents at the time of your birth, and that we can actually use your college fund for college instead of paying for therapy.

The spitting image of her father. The wit twin of her mother.

Cate - Thank you for being the sweetest, most loving, person I have ever known. You are my heart.

My sweet little Peach. We have been buddies since they cut her from my womb. My goal is that she ALWAYS looks at me like this. Ps - Kate Gosselin stole the hair from ME!

Mom - Thanks for always saying something so completely random that I am stunned into silence before I bust out in snort-a-laughs.

This is where I got my ability to not take life too seriously. She is a hoot!

Dad - Thank you for passing on your love of all things old and your beautiful blue eyes to me. I am in awe of the wonderful man that you are.

The most Godly man I know. I love being a daddy's girl.

Pat - Thank you for being such a wonderful example of what a mother-in-law should be. I am so very lucky to have you as a second mom. Oh yeah, thanks for birthing your awesome son!

Momma 2 and the hubs. I couldn't love her more if she made me herself!

Ber - Thank you for growing up to be someone I no longer want to stab. I am so proud of the woman you have become.

Me and my beautiful sis. I'm glad I didn't kill her when we were younger, because I really like her now :)

Nick - Thank you for being me, in a slightly taller body. I can't even imagine my life without you. 

My *Soul Sister* - nuff' said!

Ang - Thank you for the endless conversations about absolutely nothing. You know 'big brother' gets a HUGE laugh out of our phone calls. In the words of Forrest Gump, "You were my first good friend".

Ang and me at Grams. We were totally old enough to rock these half shirts! Schmexy toddlers!

Carrie - Thank you for being such a beautiful person, both inside and out. Your positivity and goodness are what makes me blessed to know you, not only as a cousin, but as a best friend.

My Care-Bear. Love her to bits!

Lisa - Thank you for always saying something to make me laugh. Your gift with (four letter) words is really a thing of beauty :)

My teddy bear. This one has a heart of gold.

I love each and every one of you exactly the way you are. I thank God every day for placing you in my life, and placing me in yours. I can't imagine my life with out you all in it! 

And for all my other friends, I thank you for reading this and being a part of my life, in one way or another. I am thankful for each of you for 'liking' all my pics of my kids, dogs, and dinner.

Charlie Brown's teacher said it best. "Wha Wha Wha. Wha Wha"...

All this craptacular television coverage of the RNC and DNC has my ears playing tricks on me. I swear when the folks on the stage open their mouths all I hear is the teacher from Charlie Brown; "WHA WHA WHA. WHA WHA". So, in the spirit of the season, I am going to make some promises that I know I won't keep:

1) I will exercise everyday.
2) I will try to reel in my road rage habit (definitely FALSE! Have you seen all the idiots on the road?).
3) I will stop eating sweets.
4) I will finally read The Woman In White that my wonderful neighbor told me to read 20 years ago,     because it sits on my book shelf making me feel a twinge of guilt every time I see it ( that 'because' was another lie).
5) I will keep my car clean.
6) I will stop looking for cute scrub tops on ebay every day.
7) I will try to tone down my 'slight' addiction to all smell goods. I can't help that my olfactory nerves love to be stimulated and that they have complete control of my credit card!
8) I will stop being a over-protective parent and give my kids a little more freedom (this one I really do need to work on. They are awesome kids and have earned it, I am just a freak!).
9) I will quit asking Ben to rub my feet nightly, and instead, I will rub his (HAHAHA. LIES!).
10) I will take a hearty multi-vitamin every morning.
11) I will stop obsessing on how to inexpensively clone Hank (but seriously, I need about 10 more of him).
12) I won't stay up until midnight reading every night.
13) I won't freak out if the girls' rooms appear to be the subject of some scientific experiment on 'hey, can you guess that smell'.
14) I won't speed.
15) I won't put my Christmas decorations up in October.
16) I won't drink my weight in McDonald's sweet tea every month (large sweet tea, lite ice, thank you very much!).
17) I won't forget to set own my alarm when Ben is out of town (at almost 40, this happens a lot more than I care to admit. I think I rely on him TOO much).
18) I won't walk into Target for Tide and walk out with 12 bags of stuff that 'I had to have'.
19) I won't waste my brain cells on the likes of Honey Boo Boo (Oh, the goodness of this show! It's a train wreck with a family full of redneck cherries on top!).
and finally...
20) I'll quit making fun in stick figure decals (NEVAH!!!!!!)