Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What do you see?...

I see brown back hair looking at me. 

I read this Eric Carle book hundreds of times over the first several years of my girls' childhoods. They loved his books. Although I took the liberties to change it up a bit in this post, that book title was the first thing that popped into my head at 3:45 this morning when I woke up sandwiched between twin-like sights. 

Picture this: As I am sleeping soundly on my right side, I am awaken by something pressing into the length of my back and head. It (he) is running at a marathoners pace in his sleep, probably chasing some very scary chipmunks from our yard. I feel the wiry back hairs of my Hank sticking into my exposed neck. In front of me is the wiry back hairs of my main man, the love of my life. Why I am pressed up against him baffles me, for I LOATHE touching anything but my pillow and blanket while I sleep. (Maybe it had something to do with the 130 pounds of chipmunk hunter at my back). I know that I must release myself from this prickly slow death, so I TRY (have you ever been trapped between two cement slabs? I'm sure this was a close second) to rotate my body so that one or both will move, but this only makes the running at my back turn into a sprint and the steady breaths at my front turn into snores that actually sound like they could be coming from a brown bear. #FAIL

Needless to say, the longer I laid there and started picturing what we looked like, the funnier it became. I let out a little chuckle, and wouldn't you know it, the chipmunk hunter lifted his head, looked at me, let out a disgusted sigh (which I can only translate to "Thanks a pant load for waking me up. What kind of idiot laughs in the middle of the night?", and hopped down on his bed.( Remember, he has a twin size bed in our room, but apparently it's not big enough for him. )

So, boys and girls, the lesson for today is this... If you ever find yourself sandwiched between two brown bears, just laugh. Or not. Actually I think you are supposed to play dead or ring a bell, or something like that, but the laughing worked for me.

Artist rendering of what went down

WHAT IN THE WHAT???...

In the spirit of the election I am taking a poll. I just uttered a sentence to myself and I want to know if anyone else out there has ever spoken these words aloud: Are you ready?

"Why are there flyswatters (yes, plural) in my washer?"

As the mother of teen/tween daughters and the wife of a very mature man, I am having a very hard time figuring out how and why this is an event in my day. It would be perfectly understandable if my kids were small, but...

I have been a parent long enough to know that you 'eat a lot of crow' when you have kids (gross! what does that even mean? seriously not understanding. but, I digress) and that you will hear and say things that you never in a bazillionty years think you would hear or say. A classic story was from my cousin, 'A'. She was on the the phone with her SIL and the conversation went something like this...:

A: "blahbity blahbity blabbity blah"
S:  " hahahahaha" (cuz A is super funny)
A: "I KNOW"
S: "A, hold on. 'AUSTIN, QUIT PEEING ON YOUR SISTER'! Ok, I'm back. blahbity blabbity blah"

My favorite story from the Karacian archive is one that comes to mind every time I see a litter box. When Cate was potty training, she had to go and Ali wouldn't get off the 'training mechanism'. I heard them on the verge of meltdown (a 5 year old and a 2 year old whiny one) and headed toward the bathroom to break it up. I opened the door just in time to see Cate taking matters in her own hands and doing her business in the litter box. Pretty genius idea, if you ask me, but I may be a little bias.

Things like this happen everyday to parents and we take it in stride and, in the process, give others great stories to remember for years to come. I bet 'S' doesn't even remember that, but I will never forget 'A' in hysterics over that story.

As mystified as I am by finding these swatters in the washer, I realize that since my kids have gotten older I miss these oddities that are normal with young'uns in the house. However, Cate is very good at letting me find the milk in the pantry (she is not really a morning person, therefore she pretty much sleep walks through her first hour vertical) and I laugh every time. When we had a home phone, it was nothing for me to find the phone in the fridge a handful of times a month. THESE are the memories that I am so thankful to have burned into my brain.

Well, I must get back to cleaning/continuing my scavenger hunt! Have a groovy day and ENJOY THE MEMORIES THAT YOUR KIDS ARE MAKING FOR YOU!

Thank You. Danke. Gracias. Domo. Grazie. Spanks.

As I look around my quiet home this beautiful morning, I am overcome with a great feeling of calm and thankfulness. God has blessed me beyond anything I deserve and I know that each of you are one of his gifts to me. Even though we don't talk every day and I don't tell you enough, I love you and am thankful. SOOOOO,  I want to take some time to publicly do so now...

Ben - Thank you for being the greatest thing to have ever happened to me. Your unconditional love (yep, I know it is, because how else could you have put up with 21 years of this?) is what gets me through the day. 

My main man. The love of my life.

Ali - Thank you for being my parental guinea pig. I take great comfort in the fact that you are relatively normal, despite the greenness of your parents at the time of your birth, and that we can actually use your college fund for college instead of paying for therapy.

The spitting image of her father. The wit twin of her mother.

Cate - Thank you for being the sweetest, most loving, person I have ever known. You are my heart.

My sweet little Peach. We have been buddies since they cut her from my womb. My goal is that she ALWAYS looks at me like this. Ps - Kate Gosselin stole the hair from ME!

Mom - Thanks for always saying something so completely random that I am stunned into silence before I bust out in snort-a-laughs.

This is where I got my ability to not take life too seriously. She is a hoot!

Dad - Thank you for passing on your love of all things old and your beautiful blue eyes to me. I am in awe of the wonderful man that you are.

The most Godly man I know. I love being a daddy's girl.

Pat - Thank you for being such a wonderful example of what a mother-in-law should be. I am so very lucky to have you as a second mom. Oh yeah, thanks for birthing your awesome son!

Momma 2 and the hubs. I couldn't love her more if she made me herself!

Ber - Thank you for growing up to be someone I no longer want to stab. I am so proud of the woman you have become.

Me and my beautiful sis. I'm glad I didn't kill her when we were younger, because I really like her now :)

Nick - Thank you for being me, in a slightly taller body. I can't even imagine my life without you. 

My *Soul Sister* - nuff' said!

Ang - Thank you for the endless conversations about absolutely nothing. You know 'big brother' gets a HUGE laugh out of our phone calls. In the words of Forrest Gump, "You were my first good friend".

Ang and me at Grams. We were totally old enough to rock these half shirts! Schmexy toddlers!

Carrie - Thank you for being such a beautiful person, both inside and out. Your positivity and goodness are what makes me blessed to know you, not only as a cousin, but as a best friend.

My Care-Bear. Love her to bits!

Lisa - Thank you for always saying something to make me laugh. Your gift with (four letter) words is really a thing of beauty :)

My teddy bear. This one has a heart of gold.

I love each and every one of you exactly the way you are. I thank God every day for placing you in my life, and placing me in yours. I can't imagine my life with out you all in it! 

And for all my other friends, I thank you for reading this and being a part of my life, in one way or another. I am thankful for each of you for 'liking' all my pics of my kids, dogs, and dinner.

Charlie Brown's teacher said it best. "Wha Wha Wha. Wha Wha"...

All this craptacular television coverage of the RNC and DNC has my ears playing tricks on me. I swear when the folks on the stage open their mouths all I hear is the teacher from Charlie Brown; "WHA WHA WHA. WHA WHA". So, in the spirit of the season, I am going to make some promises that I know I won't keep:

1) I will exercise everyday.
2) I will try to reel in my road rage habit (definitely FALSE! Have you seen all the idiots on the road?).
3) I will stop eating sweets.
4) I will finally read The Woman In White that my wonderful neighbor told me to read 20 years ago,     because it sits on my book shelf making me feel a twinge of guilt every time I see it ( that 'because' was another lie).
5) I will keep my car clean.
6) I will stop looking for cute scrub tops on ebay every day.
7) I will try to tone down my 'slight' addiction to all smell goods. I can't help that my olfactory nerves love to be stimulated and that they have complete control of my credit card!
8) I will stop being a over-protective parent and give my kids a little more freedom (this one I really do need to work on. They are awesome kids and have earned it, I am just a freak!).
9) I will quit asking Ben to rub my feet nightly, and instead, I will rub his (HAHAHA. LIES!).
10) I will take a hearty multi-vitamin every morning.
11) I will stop obsessing on how to inexpensively clone Hank (but seriously, I need about 10 more of him).
12) I won't stay up until midnight reading every night.
13) I won't freak out if the girls' rooms appear to be the subject of some scientific experiment on 'hey, can you guess that smell'.
14) I won't speed.
15) I won't put my Christmas decorations up in October.
16) I won't drink my weight in McDonald's sweet tea every month (large sweet tea, lite ice, thank you very much!).
17) I won't forget to set own my alarm when Ben is out of town (at almost 40, this happens a lot more than I care to admit. I think I rely on him TOO much).
18) I won't walk into Target for Tide and walk out with 12 bags of stuff that 'I had to have'.
19) I won't waste my brain cells on the likes of Honey Boo Boo (Oh, the goodness of this show! It's a train wreck with a family full of redneck cherries on top!).
and finally...
20) I'll quit making fun in stick figure decals (NEVAH!!!!!!)

To Sleep, Or Not To Sleep...

We have already established in previous posts that I am getting old and frail, so this next bit won't surprise you in the least...

I am currently on my third pillow in as many months! I wake up (that is, of course, when I am able to sleep) with a headache and neck pain DAILY! I am on a first name basis with my chiropractors, whom I get the pleasure to see once, sometimes twice, a week! I am living in HELL, and hell has crappy pillows!

I am starting a new mission: OPERATION FINDANEWPILLOWORSTARTLOSINGFRIENDS! I am not sure how well my followers know me, but to say that I am unpleasant when tired is a gargantuan understatement. I am down right evil, and I own it. Even my hard-ass friend Nickie is afraid to cross me when I have 'the look' about me. So, you see, I need to rectify this massive problem, STAT!

this is me in the morning. lucky Ben

Here is a list of pillows I have tried in no particular order (I know. You are saying "Who gives a flying frack what order she tried them in". I don't care either, but I really like to draw out my posts):

WATER PILLOW - LOVED it, but it does puncture when stepped on by family members with talons.

FIRM - too firm

FEATHER -  felt like I was getting suffocated by Big Bird

MEMORY FOAM - liked it the first night, then I think it forgot what it's job was. IT SUCKS!

MATTRESS - I tried sleeping without a pillow. WHAT? Who am I, a cave man?

What am I missing? There has to be the perfect pillow out there for my dainty head. I mean, c'mon! Look at that mug! What pillow WOULDN'T want to snuggle up to that every night? When Ben came downstairs this morning all bright eyed and bushy tailed and said "Who did you sleep, Love Face?" I simply grunted and reiterated my need to find a new pillow. His response was a loving "Another high maintenance demand". Believe me, he wants me to find a gateway to sleep more than anyone! He bears the brunt of my ire when Mr. Sandman eludes me. Bless his patient heart.

Needless to say, on my list of things to do this weekend, finding a pillow is #1! If anyone has ANY suggestions I would greatly appreciate them!

Look at that girl with the Daisy Don'ts on!

Here is a little something to listen to while you are reading this entry...

Click here for some ear candy for your reading enjoyment

You're welcome.

Ok, boys and girls (but mostly girls), today's lesson is on proper self-display etiquette. I have been disgusted for years at how young girls (and older ones, alike) are leaving very little to the imagination when it comes to wearing shorts, so I thought it would be helpful (let's face it, I am nothing if not helpful) for me to break it down into a few simple steps for you.

1.) IF YOU HAVE TO SHAVE OR WAX IN ORDER TO WEAR THEM, THEY ARE TOO SHORT!

you missed a spot

The sad part about this 'phenomanon' is that there seems to be no minimum age to start donning these hooker shorts. Some of the shorts I have seen in Abercrombie make the US Sand Volleyball 'uniforms' seem conservative. Parents, please FORTHELOVEOFGOD, before you buy that 4 inches of denim for your daughters, think of all of the perverts that are going to be ogling your little princess and JUST SAY NO!

2.) IF YOUR BATHING SUIT BOTTOMS HAVE MORE MATERIAL THAN YOUR SHORTS, THEY ARE TOO SHORT!

can we stop at the beach later?

This one is pretty self explanatory.

3.) IF YOU HAVE GIVEN BIRTH, IT'S MOST DEFINITELY TIME TO RETIRE THE DAISY DUKES!

mom o' the year

"The best accessory for my daisy dukes is my baby's stroller", said NO ONE EVER! The fact that you are pushing a stroller and video taping your angel frolicking in the water fountain should be all the proof needed that your hooker shorts days are behind you! What makes me gag even more is when I see mom and daughter wearing almost identical DD shorts while out and about!

4.) (thought this would be a given BUT there is always one person that ruins it for everyone)
IF YOU ARE 20 YEARS POST MENOPAUSE, THEY ARE TOO SHORT!

catherine bach on her way to shady pines

If you have to wash your dentures while your dukes are in the rinse cycle, it's time to retire them. But let's face it, you still can't quit looking at this picture.

Listen girls, I know that you are young and proud of your bodies, BUT, there is a very fine line between self confidence and looking like a skank. Maybe it's not that fine of a line, but please have a little self respect along with that self confidence. Think about how you want to portray yourself and how you want others to perceive you.

Parents, please take note that those shorty shorts you are buying for your daughters have the potential to be a 'gateway drug' to shorter shorts and less clothing.

"look ma, no pants"

If you ask me, this is the way to go!

mom jeans!!!!

He who laughs last has the last laugh. Ponder that...

Lesson of the week, heard and learned loud and clear...

IF YOUR LAST THOUGHT BEFORE GOING TO BED ON WEDNESDAY NIGHT IS 'THIS IS MY LAST THURSDAY THAT I WILL GET TO SLEEP IN FOR 9 MONTHS' THEN YOU WILL MOST DEFINITELY BE AWAKEN AT 5:40 A.M.

       * As I was nuzzling into my cozy bed last night I was so looking forward to sleeping in one last Thursday. My goal was to not see the clock until it said at least 8:00 a.m.. Next week would involve school and lunches and all the morning craziness that goes along with it, so I was bound and determined to SLEEP IN! Fast-forward to the panic...

Ben: "GET UP! It's 20 til 6!"
Me:  "IT'S THURSDAY* (she said VERY grouch-ily)"
Ben: "Oh yeah, sorry"
Me:  "GRRRRRR"

He then heads to the bathroom where he flips the light on and the reflection of the six overhead bulbs bounces off of the 6 foot mirror and directly onto my eyeballs.

**Slight dramatization of actual brightness**
                               

Me:  "SHUT THE DOOR!!!!"
Ben: "You better shut something!"
Me:  "GRRRRRRR"

I am just about to drift off again, for it is now 18 til 6, when all of the sudden I realize that there is an earthquake, registering about a 7.5, violently shaking the room. Alarmed, I sit up and see that the quake is coming in the form of a very handsome 130 pound bundle of love who has joined me in bed. He is panting so hard that the whole bed appears to heaving to and fro and jostling my tired brain out of the 'slumber' it was {almost} in.

"Hi Mom. Look how handsome I am. It's time to get up."

Ben must have heard my brain bouncing around in oblivion because he chooses this moment to open the bathroom door again and the 24,000 watts of blinding light hits me square in the iris ( or is it irises You can't honestly expect me to know this right now. I am BLIND, remember!)

Me: "YOU GUYS ARE KILLING ME!!!!!!"
Hank: "Pant Pant Pant Drool Pant"
Ben: "Good morning Sunshine"
Me: "GRRRRRRRR"
Hank: "Pant Pant Pant Drool Pant Lick Pant"
Ben: "I love you. Have a great day"
Me: "GRRRRR! I love you too"
Hank: "Pant Pant Pant Lick Self Pant Then Lick Mom in Her mouth while she's making that GRRRRR sound Pant Pant Drool
Me: " HANK SERIOUSLY!"
Ben: "TEE HEE"

So, by 6:00 a.m. I am awake and ready to Carpe the Diem all up in here! (If anyone tries to correct this last sentence I will shank you. I know that it makes no sense but I am tired and still slightly blind, so BACK OFF!) I have had my coffee* so the early hour doesn't seem so bad now. I'm sitting here in my quiet house (for my kids and dogs are sound asleep) watching the rain soak everything outside. As I type this I am serenaded by the sounds of thunder and snoring pups. I am a lucky lady. My coffee cup definitely runneth over!

Have a blessed Thursday



* I don't work Thursday mornings

* apparently, the distilled water I use to make my coffee everyday is not really meant to be consumed. It is mostly for cleaning small appliances. Why did I not know this? Why did I just find out about this yesterday? I am officially blaming my wrinkles and gray hair on all the DW I have drank all these years!